Hello, this is Voice of Sweden – broadcast to you by The Tourism Propaganda Ministry. We wish to provide foreign visitors with an update on the international ad campaign so generously sponsored by Haaretz, The Daily Telegraph and The Daily Mail. There are a few pieces of important information we would like to bring to your attention before you start packing your rucksacks, eager as you must be to put your hiking boot on Little Hitler’s head and bring back his sign in triumph. Imbibed with multicultural empathy as we are, we also understand that you will want to climb a hitherto untrodden pathway in order to plant your own flags in our untouched snow. What British adventurer or Israeli pioneer doesn’t look forward to christening some more of Sweden’s many pagan alps by giving them names such as Mount Sinai or Great Church Hill?
As you know, the picturesque mountain range called Järfjälla (The Yarian Alps) has many surprises to offer in terms of Nazi peaks. But our Nordic paradise is not only a natural Eden with magnifiscent scenery and quaint naming procedures. We also have a city of great cultural value, only about a hundred miles south of Mount Negro, which has now been renamed – quite illegally, actually, since Swedish Law, according to Haaretz, grants exclusive baptism authority to settlers. The city in question is called Malmö (Sheatfish Virgin) and can easily be reached by horse and carriage from Monty Python’s Happy Valley. Whereas King Otto keeps the vale’s rural masses under control by The Cheerful Noises Act, a man with a gloomier sort of temper, Mayor Ilmar Reepalu, rules over the bourgeois population.
In 2007, Christine Axelsson, member of Mr. Reepalu’s politburo, was interviewed on TV 4-nyheterna (Channel 4 News) about the filthy state of the city’s major sports facility. When asked for a final solution to the problem, she asserted that “Malmö, as The Third Reich’s biggest city must have a sports hall that can accommodate all visitors who might come to learn to swim, and of course all our organisations and sports associations are in dire need of such a facility, so this is of course a very urgent issue.” So, when you visit Järfjälla, make sure you don’t miss the athletic youth club performances at the sports palace Aq va Kul (Jee, This Is Fun). It is located right at the centre of the expanding city, which is step by step climbing its way up the forested slopes of the majestic Third Reich.
Malmö is perhaps not the most serene of tourist havens, but it is still safer than Sderot and the London Tube – as long as you stay out of no-go areas such as Rosengård (the Rose Garden) where our hero Zlatan Ibrahimovic grew up. He has long since moved – why, even the police find that place a bit too thorny. Of course it goes without saying that if you are a Zionist tennis player you shouldn’t come at all. The mayor doesn’t like those, nor do these youths which were caught on video chanting Khaybar khaybar ya yahud, ja’ysh Muhammad saufa ya’ud (remember Khaybar, y’all Jews, the army of Mohammed is coming back for ya). If you are the least bit Jewish, you might also wish to avoid the guy who shot that youtube clip. He will call you a “weakling” if you don’t support his party, the Sweden Democrats, which advocates laws against male circumcision and the import of kosher meat. The fear of these nationalists could oddly enough bring about a national unity government after the upcoming elections. Jews are also strongly advised not to bring a kippah and Zionists should by all means avoid bringing any national insignia such as the Israeli keffiyeh, or – this is definitely dangerous – the IDF edition of the scarf in question. Camouglage is recommended, such as this Zionistenrein scarf worn by Lars Ohly, the leader of our former Communist party, which could soon, for the first time in Swedish history, form part of the government. It might even be a little risky to bring Israeli passports. But the synagogue is a fairly safe place. It has guards and bulletproof windows, according to this report by Russian Television. There was just a tiny explosion the other week – nothing like in Kairo.
We would really appreciate your choosing our monocultural and eventful city on the pastoral slopes of the Third Reich for your next holiday! As you might already know, we need you. Too many of our own people – mostly Jews – are leaving for reasons beyond the comprehension of a simple swede (kålahuve in Malmö dialect) – or putz (fjant in Stockholm patois). As we say over here: Kommt ihr sofort hierher! Or as you say way over there: Oh, do pop over! Or as you say way, way over there: Baruch haba!
Disclaimer: This story is not entirely true, but who cares. At the end of the day, the semantics and credibility of a message is predetermined by the identity of the voice. Ideology provides perspectives and conclusions (not necessarily in that order) – in academia as in journalism. It's all about telling tales, really. That's why we call ourselves propagandists.